1. Say “No”
No to that social event.
No to seeing someone.
No to adding more to your humungous list of to-dos.
No even when you’ve got nothing else to do.
You do not need to feel guilty if you’re not attending an event you’ve been invited to. You don’t need to feel obligated to do anything.
This is your life and you have the free will to spend it however you like.
So put yourself first.
If an event coming up is going to eat at your energy, eat at your self care, eat at your happiness, or eat at your mental capacity, then the best word to use is ‘no’.
‘No’ if you don’t want to go to an event. ‘No’ if you don’t want to see someone. ‘No’ if all you want to do is chill on your couch and watch Netflix.
It is okay to say no, you don’t need to give an excuse. You don’t need to give anything else. You can say no to an event, to an invitation and to a person – no excuse required.
Now, don’t get me wrong, you don’t need to be an a-hole when you do it, you can say “no thank you” or “sorry, I have other commitments”. ‘Other commitments’ can literally be a date with Netflix on the couch. Don’t feel guilty – because choosing what you do with your time is your choice alone and you’re allowed to choose whatever you like. Especially if going to an event or seeing someone you don’t want to see is actually going to be a burden on your life. You’re not hurting anyone but yourself by going.
Now you may be inundated this holiday season with invitations and events and you’re not dreading them, you’re actually excited.
But you know that going to them all is going to leave you a total zombie who’s fed up of Christmas and turns you into a snappy grumpy pants when you see people.
What I generally recommend in this situation is know how many social events per week would drain you and leave you frazzled and fatigued by the time Monday rolls around. From here, figure out how many social events you can and want to attend per week. And stick to it.
It might be one event a week. It could be two events a week.
When you know how many social events are happening that week, you know how many you can attend and you can choose the ones that you want to go to the most. You don’t have to make yourself free to attend them all or fill every nook and cranny of your diary with events.
Spend your time wisely because, remember, this is your life. You’re the one who has to be happy with it at the end of the day, so don’t live it pleasing other people.
Action Task
How many social events would you want to attend per week that will leave you feeling fresh and energetic all week long?
Then when the invites pile up these holidays, choose the ones you really want to go to and don’t go over your weekly social event quota.
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2. Change the conversation
This one is all about dealing with the anxiety and nervousness you feel when you have to see certain people. You know the person – the family member, in-law, relative or friend who makes comments about your life, makes you feel uncomfortable, makes you feel crap about yourself and makes you feel less than.
It’s the person you try to avoid or make an excuse under the sun to cut the conversation short.
You can’t change this person, what they’re like and what they say, but you can change your interaction with them. You can do this by changing your half of the conversation.
I’d bet my bottom dollar that your anxiety around seeing this person is because of the things they say to you. For days and weeks you worry about talking to this person, and you think of how best to respond to the usual criticisms or comments they make.
Well the beauty of a conversation is that it goes two ways. They say something crappy, you respond in a certain way (usually a defensive, excuse-filled way). And while you can’t change that person and what they say, you can change your half of the conversation.
For example: you might have a relative or a friend who makes comments and makes you feel guilty about the fact you never see them. They may say things like “Hey stranger” or “I haven’t seen you in a while”, which prompts you to feel bad, feel guilty, and come up with some excuse as to why you haven’t seen them.
Instead of falling into that spiral and feeling nervous and anxious about seeing them and being made to feel guilty for not seeing them – just change your half of the conversation.
Instead of scrambling for some excuse as to why you haven’t seen them and blurting out that you’ve “been so busy” and “life’s been chaotic”, just say “It’s good to see you, too”.
Because you don’t have to engage in their conversation. You don’t have to feel bad or owe anyone anything. You don’t have to have an excuse for living your life. Simply change your half of the conversation.
Action Task
Think about the person you’re dreading seeing these holidays, and why you’re feeling anxious about seeing them. If it’s something they say, think up a phrase to use that’s platonic and doesn’t engage in their negative conversation but instead shuts it down and makes you feel good.
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3. Create a contingency plan
If you’re someone who worries about the worst case scenario…
- you fear what may happen
- you worry about the what ifs
- you create stories in your head about all the possible things that could happen and all the ways the day could end in disaster
…then a contingency plan is for you.
What you do is:
1. Firstly, catch yourself having the thought. Catch yourself thinking that the worst is going to happen. Notice that you’re creating a scenario in your head where something crappy happens or you end up hating the day.
Because first things first, you may not even realise you’re having these thoughts. If you’re the type of person who says “but what if…” or “I can’t do that because…” and you’ve filled in those …’s with things that haven’t happened yet, then you’re imagining and planning for the worst. You’re catastrophizing. You’re imagining all the ways it could go wrong, and getting sucked into the vortex of thinking those things will happen that you dread the event or the day before it’s even arrived.
And chances are, that crappy situation that you imagined doesn’t even happen. But you spend all day and all week worrying about it.
2. Once you’ve caught yourself thinking about the worst case scenario, create a contingency plan for it.
- What would you do if the worst case scenario happened?
- How would you turn it around and still enjoy the day?
- How would you deal with it so it doesn’t end up being a big deal and doesn’t bring your mood down?
And that right there, is your contingency plan. Now instead of obsessing and worrying about what could go wrong, you have a plan of action in that noggin of yours that would get you out of that pickle and allow the day to still be great.
Most of the time you worry about the unknowns and what ifs…so make those unknowns and what ifs invalid by having a solution to them. By having a contingency plan in place if everything were to go wrong.
Action Task
What is something you’re currently thinking “what if” or imagining the worst case scenario?
Create a contingency plan for it so you have a plan of action in place if it were to come true by answering these 3 questions:
- What would you do if the worst case scenario happened?
- How would you turn it around and still enjoy the day?
- How would you deal with it so it doesn’t end up being a big deal and doesn’t bring your mood down?
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4. 5-4-3-2-1 technique
The 5-4-3-2-1 technique is a brilliant tip I use to reduce my anxiety when I’m out and about. It helps distract my mind and gives my brain and heart a chance to calm down and stop feeling so panicked.
Firstly, you take a deep, comfortable breath in through you nose and out through your mouth. Do that twice more.
Then, you look around and note 5 things you can see.
Then 4 things you can feel, making note of their texture, temperature and shape.
3 things you can hear.
Then 2 things you can smell.
And finally, 1 thing you can taste.
Then tune into your heart and mind, and noticed if they’re calm or still fluttering around like hummingbirds.
Repeat if you’re still feeling on edge and anxious. Find new things to note down for what you can see, feel, hear, smell and taste.
Action Task
Practice this 5-4-3-2-1 technique now to get the hang of it.
Then jot down the instructions in your phone so if you start to feel anxious when out and about, you can open your phone and follow the instructions to feel calm again.
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Remember that it’s ok to feel anxiety this holiday season. You don’t have to put on a happy face, especially when you’re not feeling it inside. Know your boundaries, ask your heart what’s making you feel unsettled these holidays, and use these techniques to help you feel calm and in control again.
